“I’ll have a blue Christmas…”

Well,

Fish and I set up my Christmas tree on Saturday. It was a lot of fun and he had a blast. We got as far as getting the lights on, but when I opened up the box of ornaments…

The depression hit me like a ton of bricks… I could barely fight back the tears… These are all the decorations She and I have collected over the last 9 Christmases…

Yesterday, when I dropped Fish off back at his apartment, I took Her aside for a second and immediately burst into tears.  She gave me a big hug and let me vent and was really quite wonderful about the whole thing…  I am SO GLAD She has Her parents here in town… I miss mine SO MUCH…

Fish and I are heading to Redding (that rhymes, Fish!!) on 12/21 for the week!

SDG,
Matty

Philippians 1:6 – Continues Still

so… that initial “break up” happened at Christmas time in 2004 ( i think). I was becoming more and more miserable and She was acting like nothing was wrong. It must be said, when our son was born, She devoted herself to being his mom…. She just seemed to have forgotten She was also my wife. In the 2+ years that elapsed between our initial “break-up” and our split this last spring (May 2007), our son slept in our bed, in my spot, more than I did.

So… one particularly miserable night when I was wide awake on the couch (insomnia was a side-effect of the bi-polar disorder… or maybe a side-effect of the meds…) I pulled up myspace.. I was probably the last person under 35 in the world to not have a myspace, so I decided to create one. (myspace.com/matty040275, btw) After initially creating my page, I started searching for people. I searched people I had known at Westmont and at SCA and at Heritage Christian. and I FOUND SOME!!! It was truly amazing, to reconnect with people who had been gone from me for so long.

I was feeling so lost and alone and bitter so, I decided to really go all out on my page. I listed myself as an Atheist and joined several online groups dealing with Rationalism and Atheism. I loaded my page with sex jokes and pro-legalization propaganda.

Then Mario emailed me. Mario graduated from SCA a few years ahead of me, before my family moved to AZ. But he had found my page and had seen that I, too, had graduated SCA. Mario is co-founder (along with Bobby Brewer and Stephen Baldwin) of The BreakThrough Ministry (www.globalbtm.org). When he read that I was an atheist, he emailed me and started giving me no end of grief over it… he challenged my faith (or lack thereof) from the very beginning and he has never let up. Today, I count him as an amazing friend, a brother in the LORD, and part of my spiritual ancestry.

Another person who was good to find, was a girl I dated briefly at SCA (i know, Andi, that doesn’t really narrow it down) who I will call “Kim” because, to my knowledge, I never dated anyone named “Kim”… by this I mean, I can use “Kim” and not have it refer to an actual person from my past. -ed. note

Kim had been in some bad relationships and had been married. She has two kids and, when I hooked up with her again, she was in yet another bad relationship. As is so often the case, two people in bad situations see, in each other, the way out, and we soon were talking on the phone/email/IM 3 and 4 hours a night… Did we fall in love? Dunno… we thought we did. We spent some time together; I traveled to where she lived a couple of times and we continued to talk on the phone. It was Kim who really started me to realize a) I had to get out of my marriage and b) I missed my GOD and my relationship to HIM through JESUS… Kim and I “dated” until late this summer when we decided it was better to just be friends. She has since pulled away and I really don’t know what’s happening with her right now. All in all, though, it was a great experience and it taught me a lot about what Love can be and should be, and will be again!

Philippians 1:6 – Continued Some More

We began to embrace Wicca and Paganism sometime around early 2000-2001. She had been very bitter at the real and perceived injustices done to women by the church. She always felt the sole purpose of Christianity was to allow men to lord over women and children; to tell them what to do and to keep them down. So called, “Traditional” or “Earth-Centered” religions celebrate the sacred feminine. So that was the direction we went. We had a shrine/alter in our home and we studied all kinds of books on Wicca and Paganism.

When our son was born, I was NOT prepared…. and I failed… miserably…. I neglected him, didn’t spend much time with him, I wasn’t working for a while…. mostly I layed on the couch and watched TV. She was very upset with me, and rightly so…. On the verge of losing our house to foreclosure, we finally sold it and moved to Las Vegas to be near to Her parents. It seemed to me the right decision at the time and our little family began to put itself back together. I worked as a temp and then was hired on to a full-time job. She decided She wanted to pursue Her Master’s Degree at UNLV and so she did. During this time, I broached the subject of divorce… we weren’t getting along well, we had no money…. I “moved out” by sleeping on the couch and never being home. After about 6-8 weeks, I decided I was being selfish and asked Her for another chance. She agreed and life continued…. Kinda… I was briefly hospitalized due to a suicide “attempt” and eventually diagnosed bi-polar Type II. Medications followed… lots of them…